Let it be known, I am horrendous at blogging. Over 1 year and 2 months ago I started a blog. I noted that my posts may be infrequent, however, hinted...nae, gave INDISPUTABLE BELIEF that another post was to come soon. I dun goofed. But it's not my fault really.
Typing is effort.
And seeing as I hadn't finished uni, I had a lot on my mind, such as sleeping...playing xbox...and doing some more sleeping...bit o' sitting as well.
That's what I call over-schedulisation.
So I feel that the delay is perfectly justified. As well as this, hasn't it milked every last ounce of anticipation right outta you until you're so desperate for another post that you wanna implode? That's called "suspense", kids, and I'm great at it. Fear not, my avid two followers (who are actually the same person with 2 accounts, the sneaky fiend), I am back. For one more post at least.
Anyway, onto something actually significant. I like turtles.
Not significant enough for ya? FINE!
I have this other thing that I like. It's called an iPad. And I feel the need to talk about my iPad. My iPad is beautiful. Not only do I make love to it three to four times a day, but I also pray to it every blue moon. I pray that it will supply me with beautiful iPad babies. And that is because it is simply an amazing little gadget. Yes, yes, you may think it's simply an oversized iPod or an undersized Mac laptop but YOU COULDN"T BE MORE WRONG! Because it's actually...a bit of both. See, how goddamn wrong were YOU?
V.
V. v. wrong.
Embarrassingly so.
The reason I bring up the fact that I possess an iPad, other than to make anyone reading this despise me for one of these reasons;
1) You're jealous
2) You hate iPad owners
3) You have some sort of psychological disorder that makes you loathe everyone
is because I'm an app fiend. That's right, can't get enough of the blighters. My iPad's modest 16GB capacity is constantly full to the brim with an ever growing collection of apps which I relentlessly have to archive on my mac so more can fit. It's a frustrating process, but I simply needs dem apps.
Apps in the morning, apps in the afternoon, apps in the evening for that sweet, sweet lovin'.
Funny apps, giggle-inducing apps, guffaw-instilling apps, bellow-summoning apps.
App-le juice, app-ropriate footwear, app-ointments made way in advance.
I love 'em all.
Apps.
And for this reason, I thought that one productive use of this space may be to talk about...you guessed it...cheese. Erm, I mean apps.
Since this is my first app-based post, I'm gonna start off with some simple app-oriented information, and that is...
BOBBY G'S AMAZING LIST OF HIS TOP 12 APPS!
Now, the title is slightly misleading. This list will actually comprise of 2 separate lists, one for my top 6 games for iPad, and another for my top 6 non-game apps. This is because the extreme majority of apps that I purchase are games, and so the whole top 12 list would be made of games if I didn't do this clever little segregation that I'm doing. I mean, what if you didn't like games or were allergic to them, who would find this list at all useful then?! NO ONE. Intuition wins again.
Why 12 and not a more round number, you ask?
What, you got OCD or something? Why the heck not!
Top 6 games
1) Angry Birds HD - £2.99
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, how unoriginal of me. Angry Birds is at the top of countless "best app" lists, but that's because it's simply so darn good. YEAH I'M A SLAVE TO COMMERCIAL COMMUNISM, SO WHAT? At least I have giggles along the way! I don't think I even need to talk anymore about this app, if you have an idevice, chances are you have Angry Birds, if not, then you already know you should.
2) Cover Orange HD - £1.19
This was one of the first games that graced my iPad with its presence. The basic premise is this: there are these oranges with faces. They're shit at doing stuff. They can't move by themselves, god knows what or if they eat, I don't even wanna start thinking about their personal hygiene. And these invalid oranges need your help, because there's a massive cloud that's spewing out acid rain in a desperate bid to wipe out any evidence of orange existence. As the name suggests, you need to cover these poor, helpless and retarded oranges so they don't get rained upon, using a variety of wooden objects. It's pretty damn good, with some clever and creative solutions in the later levels. But the main thing about this game for me is leaderboards. I rarely care where I place on leaderboards, but when it comes to being a hero to these oranges, I wanna be the daddy of all scoreholders. I once ranked number 2 in the world. However, a bunch of stupidly skilled asians then purchased the game and used their inherent brilliance at every activity in the world to push me down to number 32, the bastards. But I will make a return and claim the citrus saving throne one day...
3) Plants vs Zombies HD - £3.99
Zombies are awesome. Everyone knows that. It's a scientifically proven fact that if you take any situation and add zombies, it becomes 10-32 times better. Try and think of a situation that doesn't...go on, try...you can't. Wedding = boring. Wedding + zombies = brilliant. Petting zoo = fun for kids. Petting zoo + zombies = fun for all the family. Zombie invasion = awesome. Zombie invasion + more zombies = spectacularly awesome. See?
And the formula works here. Plants = OK, can be nice, I'm not one to turn down a nice rhododendron. Plants + zombies = a higher entity in itself.
The actual game is basically a tower defense game, where zombies make their way over your pristine lawn in order to devour your yummy, yummy brains. Luckily for you, your lawn is mental and is capable of growing many various dangerous plants. Plants which like kicking zombie botbot. Each wave of zombie attacks requires different sorts of plants to do the job properly, from pea-shooters which do your basic slow-firing medium damage attack, to some sort of inexplicably magnetic mushrooms which tear the metal helmets, shields, ladders and whatnot from the ever decaying limbs of the zombie legion. If the concept alone doesn't warrant a purchase, then may I mention that the game is stacked full of content. Minigames, upgrades, codexes humorously explaining each plant's attributes, a nice little song as well. Oh, and more zombies than you can shake a bowl of brains at, which is fecking loads.
Accessible by both hardcore and casual players alike, and with enough content to keep your green fingers happy for quite some time, this is one app which deserves a place on anybody's iPad.
4) Flick Kick Football - £0.59
This is undeniably the most simple app on the list, but potentially one of the most time consuming. The premise is this, you flick "kick" a football into a goal.
'Atsit.
Seriously.
But there is a wee catch. As you score each goal, the next gets harder to score, with different distances, angles, defenders and goalies. You can get up to three lives, but when your lives run out, it's game over; your high score is saved and you have to start again to try and beat it. The real trick to the game is curving the ball, something which can be difficult to master. Luckily, the ball is utterly insane, it's possessed by some unseen bloody demon or something so it can do the most ridiculous curves ever witnessed.
The curves this ball can achieve make a curly straw look like a...normal straw.
Sorry, that sucked.
Beckham would weep if he saw how bent this ball was.
Hang on...that's a bit...y'know...
The curves of this ball are similar to those of Rik Waller, that's how mental they are.
There we go, we got there with the obscure analogy in the end.
But unlike with Rik Waller, here the curves are a good thing.
The reason that this game is so time consuming is because it's so tempting to keep trying to beat your high score. I have probably spent more time on this app than any other (excluding Atomic Web Browser, which I will talk about in a bit), and have managed to rack up an arcade high score of 339. Beat it. Go on. BEAT IT. Can't, can you? Thought not.
5) Drawn: The Painted Tower HD - £5.99
Drawn is a sexy looking game. There's absolutely no to very limited denying. It's gorge-gorge, and it's also a very good adventure game. There are tons of games like this one iPad. The iPad seems a perfect medium for old-school point and click games, such as Monkey Island 1 and 2 and Sword and Sworcery. As well as this, hidden object games are about as abundant as a monkey is smelly. And then there are a few of the adventure games in this style, what I like to call "Myst-games", but I can honestly say that this is the best across all the categories. I can't even remember what happens because I played it so long ago, but I do remember that it was utterly awesome. That means it must be DOUBLY awesome, right? RIGHT?! SURELY?! Buy.
6) Infinity Blade - £3.49
You can't really talk about games on the iPad without talking about Infinity Blade. Infinity Blade has held itself near the top of the app charts since it was released, and it's no surprise as to why. The graphics are second to none and the story itself is compelling, if not a bit (intentionally) repetitive. But the best thing about it may be how the producers, Chair, are determined to regularly add huge updates. A recent update saw the campaign be expanded drastically, even adding an enemy that looks like an extremely overgrown baby with a metal cage stuck on its face. Cool, huh? And even more recently than that, multiplayer was added. You can be sure that unless a sequel is in the works, Chair will continue to support the game with new content and so, paired with the stunning graphics, that makes this a game that should be on your iPad for sure.
Top 6 non-games
1) djay - £5.99
Let me start by saying that djay is a fantastic app. It really is. And although it has a rather steep price tag, it's definitely worth it. I'm sure you can probably guess what djay is, but I'll tell you anyway. djay is a pair of virtual dj decks for your iPad. Load up any songs from your itunes and you can start creating mixes using professional features such as temp synchronisation, placement marking, equalisation, and BPM count. And of course, there's the option to do some scratching, if you're into that whole 1990s Ibiza vibe. When plugged into speakers or headphones, it can create some really decent results, but of course, this is dependent on your DJing skills. If you're as rubbish at DJing as the Queen would be, then party goers make be thankful if you decide not to crack out the app at events, but everyone can have fun on this app, even if just by yourself. And you don't need to know anything about DJing to get started, the functions are intuitive and easy to grasp, made even easier by a sleek but simple interface. The only quandary I have with this app is that it is enhanced for the iPad 2. That's right. Those pompous iPad 2 owners get the option to increase or decrease tempo while keeping the pitch the same, whereas us iPad 1 owners have to make do with chipmunk voices if the tempo needs upping. I once played an actual The Chipmunks song on it and increased the tempo to the max, all the windows within an 8 mile radius instantly exploded. That last sentence is totally untrue.
Nevertheless, djay is a fleshed out consumer app that reaches professional standards, and I believe it to be an essential purchase for anyone with even the slightest interest in music, production, and remixing.
2) Atomic Web Browser - £0.59
Let's face it...the iPad's Safari browser is a bit cack. Sure, it fills all the NECESSARY criteria...multiple windows, bookmarks, search bar...but where are the luxuries? If this was a hotel it'd get 2 stars. The review would read "You will most likely not die in this hotel, but other than that, don't expect anything." On Four in a Bed, everyone would mock it and the hotel owner would weep. So that's why I opted for a download of Atomic Web Browser. Atomic Web Browser is a very nifty internet browser with tons of features that really overshadow Safari. The main one for me is the ability to open background tabs. I'm what I refer to as a "tabman". Let me explain...say I'm reading an article on wikipedia about penguins. I like penguins, I wanna know a bit more about them, so I'm reading the article intently. I am enjoying it and enjoying how many facts I am learning about the penguins.
However, midway through this article, I come across a hyperlink to, say, South American Residentil Rights. I dunno why, maybe the penguins don't like the living conditions in South America and there is a section about what they are doing to campaign against them. I am equally interested in South American Residential Rights as I am in penguins, so I wanna read about both. However, seeing as I'm already reading about the sweet, sweet penguins and how oh so goddamn sweet they are, I wanna save the South American Residential Rights for later. What...a...conundrum. Not with Atomic.
Sure, you could read both articles on Safari, simply open the Residential Rights page in a new window and then go back to the penguins. Too. Much. Effort.
With Atomic Web Browser, I can select to open the page on the Residential Rights in a background tab, so I can carry on reading about lovely penguins without any foul interruptions.
Nice huh?
Ok, so it may seem petty, but when you end up wanting to open up several tabs at one time, being able to do it in the background is very handy. Not to mention, Safari can only have 9 windows open at any one time. 9! I mean, come on! I could probably hold more antelope in one hand than the amount of windows that Safari can have open! With Atomic Web Browser, from my experience, there seems to be no limit on the amount of tabs that can be open. I have certainly had more than 20 open at one time. The only problem is that the app will eventually crash if too many tabs are open as it can only handle a certain amount of data communication at one time. This being said, the amount of tabs available is certainly more than most people will require, and I have no doubt that the app can handle more being open on the iPad 2.
Although that's my favourite feature of this app, other notable features include file downloading, private browsing, in-app lock rotation, various font settings, search engine options, a customisable user interface (colours, function buttons, multitouch options, etc.), facebook and twitter link sharing, and many more.
Although it is admittedly the only other browser that I've tried for the iPad, there are no missing features that I find myself wishing for and so I think it's a really excellent alternative browser for your iPad.
3) Crackle - Movies & TV - FREE
There is only really one reason as to why this app makes the list, and that's an incredible little gem called The Big Guy and Rusty the Boy Robot. I suppose I'd better elaborate.
Crackle is simply an app where you can watch various films and TV shows. It has a similar layout to the 4OD and BBC iPlayer apps, where you can choose films and TV shows by categories, most popular etc. Don't expect to see any Hollywood blockbusters in the list however, as the films and shows are quite limited. Films are few in number and include such titles as Shakes the Clown, an apparently "darkly funny" comedy about a clown who is accused of committing murder and must consequently go undercover as a mime, and Sheena, a film about a comic book exotic dancer who comes to life and apparently then inexplicably starts ruling over the untamed wilds of Africa. Mental.
So that gives a fair idea of the films available, very terrible straight-to-video affairs which might produce a giggle or two based on their crapness alone. Having said that, the app also includes a few films you may have actually heard of such as Sex, Lies and Videotape, One False Move, and the cult classic, Karate Kid, so it could be worse.
Television shows are a similar story. The app appears to be either endorsed by or actually owned by Jackie Chan, as it features at least two of his movies, as well as the animated TV show. Other shows include such high class listings as VIP, which is summarised as "cleavage and explosions", and Mommy XXX, a show about a struggling mum who also happens to be a pornstar. More credible examples include Astroboy, Charlie's Angels, Q*bert, and The Three Stooges.
It's obvious that the app doesn't take itself too seriously, and so is great for an entertaining giggle every now and then. Shows are usually divided into "minisodes", short clips of about 5 minutes long which focus on a single event, and so are great for watching on the go.
However, none of what I just said really holds any importance, as like I mentioned earlier, there is only really one reason why this app is on the list. The Big Guy and Rusty the Boy Robot is one of the most awesome shows I've seen...EVER! It's about a robot and another robot who looks like a little ginger kid and they beat up aliens and save the world and...oh, just watch it!
4) iSpy Cameras - £0.59
Who hasn't wanted to spy on random people they don't know as they go about their daily business? I know I have! And this is the perfect app for doing exactly that. What this app does is give you access to view footage from hundreds, if not thousands of cameras as it is streamed live from CCTV all around the world. As well as zooming in on people as they eat, you can watch polar bears in a zoo, look at dogs playing, gawk at mountains, stare in awe as people walk down a street, peek relentlessly at people sunbathing, gaze at empty warehouses, study people working in biological factories, take mind of many meddling monkeys making a myriad of mayhem and mischief, and ogle pelicans. Need I say more?
5) QI - £2.99
I've never understood why the show was called QUITE Interesting. If anything, the facts are exuberantly interesting. Unapologetically goddamn fascinating, that's what it should be called. And if that's what the show would be called, this would have to have another level of interesting somewhere in the title. What this app is is a collection of books on various subjects which hold ridiculous facts about stuff. I've learned such interesting facts as: dogs have fourteen legs, but ten of them are as short as hairs and so barely noticeable; and that 1 in 1000 sausages explodes in the stomach, causing instant death to the eater.
Ok, I made both of them up, I can't remember any of the actual facts off the top of my head. But they ARE interesting, I assure you!
There are 58 books in total, ranging in size from 11 to 124 pages, so there's a heck of a lot of reading to be done. If you like your facts interesting, this app is sure to keep you entertained for a very long time.
6) Pages - £5.99
If you want a practical app on your iPad, this is most likely the best one to have. Let's face it, everyone with an iPad is gonna want/need to write something every now and again. Think of the lost potential if you can't write on it...shopping lists, notes, essays, evaluations, hate letters...your life with your iPad would be a lot pooer. And nobody wants their life with their iPad to be pooey, not even a little bit.
I'm sure there are several word processing apps out there but you can't go wrong with the official Apple Pages app. Not only does it supply all the writing and formatting options you may need, but it also easily exports files for either a PC or a Mac. The whole shebang is effective, and more than anything, rather simples, and that is why I rate Pages so highly.
And there you have it, my top 12 apps. There were the laughs, there were the tears, there were the momentary urges of mass genocide, but it's finally all over. What an emotional rollercoaster ride this has been. I must apologise for the extreme length of this post, but I feel it makes up for the year or so of absolutely no posts whatsoever. If your eyes haven't fallen out or committed suicide by this point then I salute you. If they have, then you won't be able to read this and so I can mock you without fear of personal harm. No eyed idiot. You look stupid. Without any eyes. Your eyeholes look stupid, they look really dumb.
Anyway, that's it for this post. I was gonna call it a day for another year...or should that be...call it a year? But then I thought, I might actually try and carry on with this godforsaken blog. Hang on...didn't I say that last time? Eh, who knows what the future holds. Except for anyone who's come back in time from the future...they...they'd know.
Laters, 'taters.
